Morale is high in the troops, though solid foundation to said morale is little more than a winding length of smoke ascending towards an upper-level hell form the Dunhill of a lifeless nurse. While anesthesia comes with it's VIP spinal injection treatment and the price would be accepted by any average pickle barrel donner, privacy is something of a lost art here in Jungang Hospital. Couple that with the natural communication breakdowns one would expect having a firm grasp of roughly 3% of the local language, and you're cookin' up 3-days' worth of Uncomfortable Hospital Stay Stew.
I got here at 7:50, well before my scheduled 8:30 appointment and 3rd overall in the cue of moaners and limpers. This, however, was hardly rewarded as I waited 45 minutes to be acknowledged, well after the waiting room had cleared, filled and cleared again. No matter. The longer I spent physically able to walk the better. Finally, I had a meeting with the surgeon who notified me that my appointment was actually at 11. By now, I've learned that you take such information with an "Okay" and move on. I was also informed that my liver shows signs of a drinking problem. I didn't argue. Hemming and hawing took place, and I was eventually on my way to get my jammies.
Many giggles were had in my direction for any number of reasons, and I tried to simply wear the face of an extremely grateful invalid. No reason to act suspicious when a handful of the present lovelies were about to cut me open and mess around with territory dangerously close to valves and veins that could surely render me impotent and mangled. I lay attached to a 7-foot tall drip thang (pictured) and got all liquified. This went on for about 90 minutes while I got accustomed to my dorm room, partnered with 5 (now 6) elderly Korean men. Sadly, I have no pictures from our pillow fight, our Monster Contest or either of the poetry slams we held, but I can assure you that when it comes to gettin' down and braiding some hair, tweens aint got nuthin' on these fools...
Then into surgery I went. The room was unspectacular-the operation "table" resembled something on top of which that high schoolers build clocks in shop. The room was full of smiles and I was set gently on my fragile little bottom. I was asked to look at my belly while a anesthetic sentinel infiltrated my bloodstream via my spinal chord. 'Twas an oblong feeling for sure, but it soon got the job done as my legs lost all feeling and the sensation worked it's way up to my nipples. Being the figgidy gibbet I am, I repeatedly asked for my hands to be untied so that I may scratch my nose, head, cheek, eyes or other arbitrary beacons of my attention. Eventually, they asked if I would like to be put under. "Would I?!" I have never been medically sedated, so I was excited. "I'm going to pay attention so I can pinpoint the moment wh--"
I woke up about an hour later being hoisted off the table, onto a wheely bed and upstairs. My gut felt super sensitive and my back was in pain. I was again lifted from wheely bed to sleepy bed and there I was was left for a terribly uncomfortable next 8 hours. Guests came and went, all answering some prank cosmic message sent on my behalf to bring me loads of sugared bread. Lucky, though, as the nurses never brought me any food and informed me what I couldn't eat yet. "When CAN I eat?" I asked four different nurses/doctors.
"6:00"
"9:00"
"Tomorrow."
"Now."
My belly chose "now" and I ate bread. Hae Jin was wonderful enough to fan my body for 30 minutes and talk to doctors for me. Hye Kyeong made me juice but wouldn't let me touch her thighs. James and Min Young only hung out for a bit, but it was enough to chat quick about the Mud Festival and the Insanity workout. Then Mr. Hyun and Mrs. Kim came and pretended to rub my feet. I wanted to ask them all if my genitals were still there because I couldn't feel them and was a bit concerned that they had in fact castrated me. But come nightfall, I once again got to work on my erections.
The bastards turned out the lights at 9pm, which is about 7 hours earlier than my bedtime as of late. This meant that I spent the next 5 hours reading 1984, sending e-mails, wandering the halls and making painful attempts to poop (I didn't want to explode my insides).
This morning I am in very little pain and I hope to leave tonight, though I think it is unlikely. I just want some air conditioning and shorts, man. That's all.
I forgot my connector chord, so pictures will follow upon my exeunt. Until then, pay attention to your guts. You don't wanna end up like me, Kid *cough cough*.
Signing off,
-LS^2
Me, essentially.
